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July 23, 2003 ( Wednesday, July 23, 2003 ) This post was originally written in my actual journal on Monday July 21st while on a camping trip. I don't think that things are going to be the same. In fact, I know that thing aren't. I can't decide whether or not to re-assemble my friendships with the people who have been ignoring me for the last few weeks. I'm scared of what they're saying, I'm scared of being another one of their targeted enemies. I think it would be so much easier to just give up and be alone,but then I think about all the fun times and I don't want to let that all go. I'm scared. I'm just scared. For pretty much this entire weekend all I've done is worry. Worry that people hate me, worry that people have forgotten me, worry that people donn't care about me. I feel that I don't fit in. I'm always one step behind everyone else. I'm a virgin, I'm not into drugs and I don't smoke. I don't date for the sake of dating and I try and do the right thing most of the time. That's part of my problem. I'm the good guy. And sometimes that's a bad thing. The good guy always gets taken advantage of, the good guy always gets hurt, and the good guy almost never gets the girl. I feel dead inside, like I've just broken up with someone. I want to be home. As must fun as I'm having here, I want to be home, trying to fix whatever I can fix in order to feel better. I'm honestly stuck. I could attempt to make things right again with my friends, but I'd still worry about if they still actually want me around. Or, I could just pretend that I live somewhere else and that something will go right eventually. I don't know if I need to apologize or to accept an apology. I don't cry over a lot of things. Death and loneliness are probably the only times. Nobody has died, so I must be lonely. I can't cry though. I've constantly been around people at work and now with camping, and I'm just not comfortable with either breaking down in front of them or explaining to them why I need to be alone. Again, I'm so confused. I just need to turn back time a month or so. Then maybe I could avoid this whole cruddy feeling inside. What I need (besides a girlfriend) is a hug. An unexpected hug. Or someone thatI can juststi and cry to/with without feeling like a complete idiot. It's my vbirthday soon and I don't have anyone to celebrate with. I want to have a party where everything just goes right. My birthday hasn't been known for it's happy good times. I hate this feeling because I feel like I'm whining and that makes me feel greedy and I hate making people feel obligated to cheer me up. I feel accomplished yet empty. What's the use of feeling happy and excited if you have nobody to share it with? I never thought that I would be the one who gets kciked out the group (then again, who does?) I always thought that I was a mainstay, dependable, and always around for anyone. Now I'm wondering what part of me wasn't good enough. What part of me finally ticked people off. Most of my journal/blog entries don't tend to include my real emotions and I'd like to think that I'm good at masking my emotions so peple won't feel obliged to attempt to cure me. I like attention, almost everybody does, I just like certain kinds of attention. I don't like the attention that people give if you're not feeling 100%. I know that sounds odd, but there is a certain way people say things that sometimes seem either insincere or superior. I like the attention that people give when they're enjoying my company. It's all just so complicated. I just wish I could show up and have it not feel weird. I need love. |
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