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November 30, 2003 ( Sunday, November 30, 2003 ) yeah....right.... So for the most part my weekend was alright. Friday night was good enough to balance the bad feelings that Saturday and today brought. Nichole, I hope that you had fun at your party. You'd be surpised how hard it was to throw it, considering the death threats from Cynthia's direction. As far as I'm concerned it was a fun time, we have the pictures to prove it. I'm sick of being the way that I am. I'm tired of acting like everythings ok when it's not. I hate lying to the people that I love the most, I hate telling them that I'm ok when I'm not. I'm tired of being a hyporcrite, a liar, and so damn confusing. I miss Scott. I miss him so much that I've spent hours just sitting in my room imaging that he was there with me. I've cried more in the last 2 months than I have in my whole life. Not because I'm sad, but because I cant' believe I'm so lucky, and I can't believe I have him. And because I miss him. I need to be held, I need to be hugged. The only metaphor that I can think of in this situation is this: I feel like I'm in a glass box. I feel like I'm in a glass box pushing and trying to get out but I can't. It's almost as if It's a two way mirror....I can see people walking past, living their lives, they can't see me suffocating, they can't see me screaming for help. This isn't supposed to sound so depressing... To my friends: Don't expect me to have much of a social life until the end of the semester...I'm sorry... Scott: I miss you baby. I really do. I know that we're both strong enough, but sometimes I stumble and I think that it's impossible to make it...I shouldn't think like that....I love you so much. I can't even believe how lucky I am to have you. |
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