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April 19, 2004 ( Monday, April 19, 2004 ) I had another post planned but...I can't write about it. Lately, I know, I've been off. I'm still off. I don't feel like me. What it feels like is a black cloud has consumed me. All I see is hurt and the people that I need the most in life aren't able to help. I don't know if it's because they aren't trying or if it's because they don't know what to do, I just don't feel it from the most important people in my life. During the past few weeks, I've felt alone. I've felt like an individual instead of a system. I haven't felt like I'm a friend, a son, a boyfriend, a brother. I've felt like I'm a peice of driftwood off on my own in a sea and nobody really cares. This year, I'm sorry to say, has been brutal so far. Depression has claimed more time in these short 4 months than happiness has and I don't know how to eliminate it. I'm beginning to lose touch with everyone, and what scares me the most is that I'm beginning to lose touch with myself. I'm neglecting myself. I'm neglecting myself because I think that if nobody else cares about me, why should I? If nobody else cares that I'm hurt and broken, why should I? I don't like being a defeatest but I'm at the point where I have no self-motivation. I'm starting to care less and less that I'm quite possibly the lowest I've ever been. I'm scaring myself. I don't know what I'm expecting people to do. Obviously if nobody has made a move to help, than it's not something that they want to do. Perhaps this is completely an internal thing. Perhaps I just need to dive into my own brain, figure myself out and then try to rebuild. I need to rebuild friendships, relationships, my own life. I'm falling apart. I'm run down. I just don't know |
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