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April 09, 2004 ( Friday, April 09, 2004 ) *sigh* Life is just...I don't really know what the word is. It's a combination of frustrating, annoying, confusing, tiring, aggrivating and dissapointing. Don't get me wrong, nothing significantly bad has happened to me, in fact having Scott move here was one of the best things that has happened in a long time. Besides that I just feel really down. I don't really know how to say it. I'm feeling a distance from everything that I have. I'm feeling like there's a wall blocking me from everything and everyone. There's been a lot of changes, some good and some bad. Perhaps the bad are only disguised as bad and could end up being good in the long run. I guess I'm sounding a little cryptic, and I'm not trying to, I just don't know what to type. It's hard doing the juggling thing. To juggle a relationship and friends and a demanding school life...it's hard to keep them all satisfied. I'm torn, I'm used up, I'm out of ideas. The people that need me the most are suffering because I don't know what to do. I can feel tension in almost all of my friendships. A tension that I have no idea how is has arrived. I try to make one person happy but in the process I make someone else upset. It's almost like I have to evaluate the situation and then figure out who will be hurt the least or who will be mad at me the least. I think I've mentioned it on here before, and if not, well...now is the time. I have very low self esteem and confidence levels. It may not show because I tend to mask it. It may look like I'm comfortable being noticed and extroverted but in reality, I'm not really sure of myself. Now is a time when I'm torn because I don't know what to do and inside my head I have to admit that I failed. I don't know what the remedy is. I don't know if I just need to think on my own for a while, or if I need people to stop pulling and pushing me. I think, in a way, it's my own fault. In our little group of friends, people get discarded so easily. The only way to stick around is if you have an important role in the group. I've taken on a sort of counselling role, I'm guessing it's because I'm in human services and that's my chosen field, but since that is my role I can't shake it. Now is a time when I need people to be strong enough for me to lean against. |
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