wow, I can't believe how little I've been posting as of late. I know that I say that almost every time but life just feels like a boiling pot of water with a thousand bubbles each containing something that needs my attention.

I finally finished my 6 weeks of night shifts. To be completely honest, I was getting used to it. Sure it wasn't ideal, but it wasn't all that bad. How often in life do you get a chance to have 8 hours completely alone. I got a lot of stuff done. I made christmas presents, I worked on some paintings, I thought about things that I had pushed aside for a later time. I watched shows on tv that reminded me of a different time. I remember watching Sabrina on TGIF. Patrick and I would walk to Woodlands Grocery because we were convinced that they had the best slushes (they still do). I loved those walks with him. We were friends then. Not just spending time together because we had to, we weren't just brothers, we were friends. We'd come home and watch tv and just hang out. Things between us soured during the teenage years. We screamed at other, we fought. Words were thrown around like they meant nothing even though they were packed full of feelings. It hurt me that he thought I hated him. I hated the things he did, but I never hated him. We eventually just stopped talking to each other all together. In a few short years we went from friends to silent figures avoiding each other. But things are getting better. I have both feet planted in the adult side of life and he's moving closer to it too.

It's a strange feeling sometimes when you realize "hey, I'm a part of this world". That people know you and have a connection with you. That people depend on you. A few weeks ago someone at work told me that they were proud of me. Someone that I didn't know outside of work told me that. She said that without knowing my history, the stupid things I've done, the hurt that I've felt. She said she was proud because of the work that I do and that she couldn't have done it when she was 22. Work is so funny because just when I'm doubting my signifigance or role in the jobs that I have, just when I'm considering going back to school, someone injects me with a sense of security. The same feeling happened yesterday while doing some physiotherapy with a client. We were laughing and joking, yet at the same time helping him live a better life and I thought "would I ever get the same feeling of satisfaction doing something else? Sure, I could go and open a buisness or go back to school but would I ever feel like I do right now?"

Christmas is fast approaching and I'm already exhausted. I have so many ideas buzzing around in my head but I can't hold one long enough to actually complete it. I have these days off where I seem to have infinite time yet I can barely accomplish a few simple tasks. I want to make things for people, I want to put thought into gifts but I always feel that people are disapointed. I hate that in today's world people are happier with a gift that took about 15 minutes to buy than a gift that took 4 hours to make. I feel like throwing in the towel and just joining the flock. Standing in line to buy a shiny gift while homemade gifts sit shrouded in self-doubt. I like what I make, but I don't think other people do. Scott is always grabbing things out of my "give away" box, and I appreciate his enthusiasm but he's not the only one on my list. Even with the results of the poll in the last post showing 100% support for homemade gifts, I'm still hesitant. I guess I just need to shake off the insecurity and put my energy into finishing the gifts.

I miss my bike. It sits on the balcony like a cat, waiting to come in. I feel like I didn't ride it enough this year (I know, it doesn't make sense considering I rode over 1000km this summer.)I love that there is a bike path that runs directly beside the apartment, but I feel bad that i haven't used it since we've moved. There isn't really an excuse. It's nice enough to ride. I know that I need a new bike, but I can't bear to get rid of the scrambler. I tried to name it once. But it just didn't fit anything. It's just my bike. I think this year I might try snowshoes.